The Cycle of Abuse

My niece is currently being bullied online, and when I read some of the garbage being written to her, and about her I realized that there are quite a few people that do not understand the stages of abuse, whether emotionally or physically .

Within the string of posts, someone who doesn't even know her, posted a screenshot of a text message between her and her ex boyfriend. Within the contents of this text message my niece apologized for getting the protective order, and took the blame if her actions ended up causing them to break-up.

When a woman has been abused, whether emotionally or physically, even both, they are conditioned to apologize for things they are not responsible for, and they are known for changing their minds. Not because it didn't happen, but usually because they are scared of what may happen if they don't retract their statement, and because they so desperately want the other person's love and attention abuse victims will do just about anything to not upset the apple cart.

The cycle of abuse is a strange animal and one that not a lot of people understand. Most women honestly don't see what is going on until they are out of the situation, and usually feel pretty stupid once they look back and see clearly everything that was going on right in front of their face.

Stockholm Syndrome  is when the abused, or the hostage, develops an alliance psychologically with their captors or abuser. In the case of the abused some usually notice something is wrong, they may even say something, but if you say something to them they will defend them to the ends of the earth. Which in the case of a married couple you would expect the wife to believe in her husband, that's what we're supposed to do. The abuser counts on the victim to believe and trust in them because it allows them to continue without any push back. It's a nightmare that just keeps going until the victim finally has evidentiary proof that she has been abused.

I think one of the hardest things to understand is how the abused will initiate a "fight", usually a disagreement to get attention. Much like a child will act out to get attention from their parents, an abused wife/gf will do the same. Since their relationship has been defined by unhealthy words and actions that's all she knows so she'll provoke something to get him to pay attention to her. For me this would usually happen when my ex-husband would ignore phone calls, not come home at a relatively decent time. As I look back most if not all of what I was upset about was pretty minor in the scheme of things, but all I ever wanted was his attention, and since I wasn't getting it I used what I had at my disposal to get it.

The abuse cycle will just keep going until one person decides they aren't going to participate. They both feed off of each other so it just keeps going.

I've been away from my ex-husband for nearly ten years, and I find myself apologizing for lots of things that are outside of my control. I apologize to my husband, Mark, when I have a seizure, as if I can control it, but I apologized to my ex because he always got mad when I had one. I know I drive my daughter's crazy apologizing for things that happened when they were being raised. Those apologies are usually initiated by a memory, a song, a picture. Now, if I even attempt to apologize they call me out. Which is the best thing for me. It causes me to stop, and realize I don't need to apologize.

I was emotionally abused so I have a tape that plays in my head almost daily. It's on a continual loop, and I have to make a conscious effort to turn it off. My husband doesn't have a cruel bone in his body, would never hurt me physically or emotionally, yet he could innocently say something or tease me and I am sent right back to a time and place. Similar to hearing a song on the radio and it's like you've gone back in time.

None of this just goes away, and you don't just get over it. Healing from abuse is a daily, hourly, sometimes a minute by minute struggle. Learning to think differently about what was said and done to you.

I love this picture! Focus on who and what God says you are, not what the world, or anyone else says about you.

What God says about you is the most important!











I have no idea who the artist of this picture is, please let me know if you do.