The Long Playing Tape That Plays In An Abuse Survivor's Mind

In view of all the traffic, positive comments and messages about my post last week The Cycle of Abuse, I decided to post a topic that I've been or am dealing with weekly as I continue to heal from verbal and emotional abuse. I may even have a guest post.

I used to think the qualifications for abuse was just being physically hit, or sexually assaulted. As I began the process of healing from my divorce in 2008. I learned that I had been emotionally and verbally abused by my ex-husband. That was a huge eye-opener to me. I've since read books on emotional and verbal abuse. I even took a course to be an advocate for victims of abuse here in our local area.

When I was a kid my parents had a reel to reel tape player that my dad brought back from overseas, and when I think of a tape playing on a loop this reel to reel tape is what I picture. For me, the reel to reel tape pictured above is a visual of a tape that goes on forever.

In last week's post I mentioned that there is a tape that plays in an abused person's head, but today I'm going to get a little more detailed as to what some of the words are that play on the tape.

Besides my ex-husband being emotionally and verbally abusive, he was also committing adultery, which I didn't believe until I had actual proof of the adultery.

Daily my ex husband would ask me to call or text him around lunch time. He'd ask me to check in mainly because I always got up late, at least that's what I believed, but he wouldn't answer. I'd call a little while later, still no answer. This would go on through most of the afternoon and evening. When he'd come home, if he did, he'd make sure to tell me how much my calls and texts annoyed him. Even though he's the one that "wanted" me to call.

As a result of the behavior from the one person I believed truly loved me, who I loved more than life, my internal dialogue was altered. Instead of just dealing with the negative dialogue from society that all American women struggle with. Not being pretty enough, skinny enough, etc. My dialogue was added to by his actions and not in a positive way.

I would've thought that after little to no contact with my ex-husband in the last ten years my internal dialogue wouldn't be so overwhelming. Unfortunately as I have realized the negative dialogue is always there, it might be quiet for a little while, but it will rear it's ugly head just when I least expect it.

For me, the biggest way satan brings the negative dialogue upfront and center in my mind seems to happen right after I send a text, make a phone call that isn't answered, an email, even sending a private message on Facebook that isn't answered in a reasonable amount of time sends my mind reeling. The "reasonable" amount of time is subjective depending on how the survivor of abuse was treated about that. Meaning the abuser expected immediate response, but didn't return immediate response. I hope that makes sense.
From the moment I send any form of communication my mind goes immediately back in time and I start thinking "I shouldn't have done that, I just made them mad." My brain will even start rolling through the actions of the last few days and hours attempting to figure out if I said or did something to upset them.

Now, you might be thinking that's a little silly thinking a friend, or family member is upset when they don't answer back within a reasonable amount of time. Yes, a person who has not been emotionally and or verbally abused would say to themselves "they're just busy, they'll get back to me as soon as they can. Or they meant to answer back and forgot."

 An abused mind doesn't think in normal scenario's. The abused mind has been conditioned to think the worst, because that's what it knows.
I have to literally stop my thinking when the thoughts "they're mad at me" makes it's presence known and replace it with the opposite. I mentioned my daughters in last week's post. Each of them are so good in reminding me, if I send a text asking if they're mad at me, to say "Mom, no worries, I'm just busy." The more I remind myself of that, the easier it gets.

Words are powerful! Not only do we as individuals need to be careful what we read, and listen to because that adds to our internal dialogue. We also need to remove people from our lives who speak negative words into our life. Negative words stick around a lot longer than positive words.

Meditate on who God says you are!!

In Psalm 139:14, God says . . . "You are fearfully and wonderfully made. In Psalm 17, He says "You are the apple of His eye.

Keep those scriptures close to your heart this week as you tune out the negative internal dialogue.